Unidentified Flying Nevers

About

A small sampling from the irrepressibly irreverent and ever-creative Jan Cox:


"Excerpts from the long ignored writings from antiquity called by some: “Mouth Sores For The Mind; Unsettling Verbal Sights; Readings Requiring A Hard Hat; Chronicles Of Calculated Cranial Caterwauling; Views No One Cares To Use” (but by all in the know, simply: UFN's: Unidentified Flying Nevers)."

Never let a fry cook see you naked!
Never do your confessional at a church named: Our Lady Of Perpetual Gossip.
Never, even if you own a garage, suddenly ask the Chief Of Police if he would like a quick lube-job.
Never pay homage to a shrine that's on a flatbed truck.
Never fail to respond to a charitable solicitation from the Ministry Of Torture.
Never stay in a hotel that uses hyenas for towels.
Never patch a child’s raincoat with pancake batter.
Never discuss your travel-plans with a skip tracer.
Never take No for an answer unless No was the correct answer (or the question was: “Do I have to die just now?”)
Never order the special-of-the-day–--unless it is you.
Never, even in an emergency, use a boa constrictor as a necktie (or a Death Stalker scorpion as a means of identification).
Never turn your social calendar over to a person you just met on the bus.
Never be a good sport unless the referee is watching (or you’re just too tired to care).
Never accept psychiatric care from a doctor whose academic degree lists him as: Grand Rap Master.
Never escape by the-skin-of-your-teeth (unless it’s out of a window at the Molar Motel).
Never have a hearty-laugh when the joke’s on you--and you're the only one who doesn't realize it.
Never let someone’s unmarried brother-in-law act as your official fashion-coordinator.
Never go-out-in-the-elements…unless they’re good ones, like Zinc, Argon, Lithium and the like.
Never try to lead when dancing with the Secretary Of Bad News & Death (or attempt to dip the Minister Of Sewers).
Never act-on-a-hunch unless it involves a stooped thespian.
Never pay attention to any shot-heard-round-the-world, unless it is aimed at you.
Never offer to buy a gun that’s pointed at you.
Never ask a dog that’s foaming at the mouth if he’s seen your kitty.
Never shout at a surly waiter holding a hand grenade: “Do you know who the hell I am!”
Never ask a mass murderer for his thought-of-the-day.
Never pay extra for batteries (and never put Tab A into Slot B).
Never appear to be overly patriotic in the middle of a battlefield, or in an enemy’s field hospital.
Never gladly return anything you rightfully found or stole.
Never expect anything from a god you can’t see.
Never look up a word you don’t already know.
Never purchase an expensive piece of jewelry whose primary fashion-statement is built around tinfoil.
Never demand that a guillotine operator: “prove it!”
Never batten-down-the-hatches until you’ve given-them-fair-warning, (and sufficient time to clean-up-their-act).
Never contribute to the Insect Resettlement Program.
Never expect anyone to get-it-right-the-first-time (even a man in a nice suit).
Never buy scalped tickets to an execution.
Never while explaining the details of a crime to a petite kosher detective inadvertently say, circumcisions for, circumstances.
Never run the risk of claiming that you have-the-answer, but you’re safe in insisting that yours is the ultimate question.
Never wax-your-thighs during an electrical storm.
Never fear-the-unknown – but hold on to your hat if the KNOWN shows up!