Dear Abby

bilby "Pauline Friedman Phillips, who under the name of Abigail Van Buren wrote the long-running'Dear Abby' advice column that was followed by millions of newspaper readers throughout the world, has died aged 94."
- Steve Karnowski, 'Dear Abby' columnist dies aged 94, theage.com.au, 18 Jan 2013.

But I'm still here!.
Jan 17, 2013

Prolagus Dear Abby,
How can I convince the Wordnik gods to hire me?

Signed,
Visa About to Expire May 16, 2012

ruzuzu Dear Abby,
I can never remember the difference between lagoon and lacuna. Any tips?
Signed, Lagging and Lacking
Feb 8, 2012

bilby Dear It's All Greek To Me,
Was it a fenugift? You really should beware of that shit.
Abby

P.S. Cilantro was a Spanish tennis player. Some talent, admittedly, but crap on grass. Funny that. Sep 2, 2010

ruzuzu Dear Abby,
Some of my friends complain about the taste of cilantro, but I think it's okay. What I really can't stand is the taste of fenugreek. Is that normal?
Signed,
It's all Greek to me. Sep 2, 2010

yarb Dear Pat,

Mud?

Abby xx Aug 24, 2010

ruzuzu Dear Abby,
Every year the cafeteria at work hosts a pretend version of a state fair. I've promised to make a butter sculpture, but I'm wondering whether there are any vegan-friendly alternatives I could use. Do you have any suggestions?
Signed,
Pat O'Butter Aug 24, 2010

ruzuzu Dear Abby,

I asked the Easter Bilby for a bicycle, and he's promised to bring one. The problem? I think it will be made of chocolate. Don't get me wrong - chocolate is still better than carob - but I was hoping for something a little more, you know, durable.

Signed,
Banana Seats Should Not Be Edible Mar 29, 2010

Prolagus Dear Abby,
Would you please summarize the last 4 days on Wordie in a few lines, so that I don't have to read one zillion comments?

Lazy Eutherian Jan 12, 2009

jennarenn Dear Abby,

I like big butts. Please advise.

Signed,
Mixed up a lot Jul 2, 2008

plethora Dear Mediterranean stone dead pika XX century,
Watch it, you'll get Bilby's pet rock all upset again.
Abby

P.S. It really is butter: they're trying to trick you. But you didn't hear it from me. Jul 2, 2008

Prolagus Dear Abby,
I keep trying, I know I have to, but still, I can't believe it's not butter. What should I do?

All best,
Mediterranean stone dead pika XX century Jul 2, 2008

palooka Sorry, it's my delusions of adequacy acting up again. Can you help Dear Abby?
Jul 2, 2008

palooka What is all this mumbo-jumbo & jibber-jabber? Instead of whining & blabbering on and on about your custard tarts, go out & find a list to attack. You'll feel much better, I guarantee it! Jul 2, 2008

arby Sounds yummy! I have no fear of chocolate. Jul 2, 2008

plethora Dear Suspicious,
A bilby is a small nocturnal marsupial made of chocolate. It eats puny weaklings like you for breakfast.
Abby

P.S. Here comes one now! Start running. Jul 2, 2008

plethora Dear Abby,
Someone accused me of not being Dear Abby. What can I do?
Signed,
Abby Jul 2, 2008

arby Ooh, gruntles! I want one too. Send it c/o Suspicious.

Because surely you can't be referring to moi as Disgruntled Wordie, can you? Jul 2, 2008

bilby Dear Disgruntled Wordie,
Dear Abby is a bit like Santa Claus, you dig? So much to do.
Abby.

P.S. I'm sending a box of gruntles. Take one a day until you feel better. Jul 2, 2008

arby Dear "Abby",

What is a bilby? Is that some sort of weird Australian lingo?

Signed,

Suspicious of New Information Jul 2, 2008

dontcry Dear Abby,
Heads up!

*snort*

Signed,
Anonymous Tart-Thrower Jul 1, 2008

reesetee Dear Abby,

Hey! You're not Dear Abby!

Sincerely,
Disgruntled Wordie Jul 1, 2008

plethora Dear Tarted Up,

That's what you're here for. It's your purpose in life. Accept it.
Abby. Jul 1, 2008

reesetee Dear Abby,

Why do I keep getting custard tarts thrown at me?

Sincerely,
Tarted Up Jul 1, 2008

bilby Dear Just Plain Lazy,
If you want to smell like roses, or numerous other things, try this list. As you know, most problems in life can be solved by a good list.
As for shirking, I have a friend called John Shirk. I asked him last year about how to shirk responsibilities and he wasn't sure. I conclude that shirking is more difficult than it looks if even Shirk himself is clueless.
You mentioned you were having trouble with 'remotely fun' activities. You should stop worrying about remote fun. Fun should be immediate. After you have made a custard tart, throw it. You don't really need to dust it with cinnamon first.
Abby.

P.S. You can throw it at reesetee. That's what he's here for. Jul 1, 2008

dontcry Dear Abby,
I've over-committed myself to activities - none of which I consider even remotely fun or painless. Why do I do this to myself? Also, how can I shirk these responsibilities and still come out smelling like a rose?

Signed,
Just Plain Lazy
Jul 1, 2008

bilby Dear Workless in Pennsylvania,
Get a job on Wordie. Then you can stay on Wordie and keep your employment. We all know that John makes thousands of dollars per week from this site. I'm sure he'll employ you because you made lots and lots of words and that's what Wordie sells. Even if John doesn't employ you, we can supply you with a pompous job title like Word Production & Manipulation Consultant, PA Division. That should at least make you feel like you have a job even though you don't.
Abby.

P.S. If you regularly see Flying Deadlines, your area may be subject to UFO activity. Please report to FBI. Jul 1, 2008

bilby Dear Stressed,
If you impale yourself on a pile of books, you may physically absorb some of the knowledge. And that's the best way of sneaking text books into the exam room. Brains are poorly regarded in Australia and you are just well to be shot of it. But I hoped you waved goodbye.
Abby.

P.S. I thank you for your letter and award you a complimentary sheep. Jul 1, 2008

reesetee Dear Abby,

I never feel like working anymore. I just watch the deadlines fly by. I'd rather be on Wordie. What can I do to keep my job?

Signed,
Workless in Pennsylvania Jul 1, 2008

plethora Dear Abby,
I am in the middle of exam week and I think my brain has already liquified and dribbled out of my ears. How can I make the most of my study time without wanting to impale myself?
Sincerely,
Stressed. Jul 1, 2008

bilby Dear Abby is now open. We are a solution in search of a problem. Jul 1, 2008