professor von schmartzenpanz love

professor von schmartzenpanz

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  • Takchess--I've never heard of that. Is it anything like The Timewarp?

    February 23, 2012

  • R.
    I never met the Prof. However there was a time in my life where I used to do cardwarp.
    Jim

    February 23, 2012

  • On closer reading, it's not the Prof who's stopped up.

    That's a relief!

    June 9, 2011

  • My typos are an integral part of the algorithm.

    June 9, 2011

  • "...a tall, stopped man..."

    I'm sorry to hear about the Prof's internal congestion. No doubt D van der P is somehow behind this.

    June 9, 2011

  • "They presented a story that was narrated by the custodian at the Statue of Liberation, a tall, stooped man with a mop and a billed cap, drawn to look a lot like George Deasey. Apparently, the unfortunate fellow had a bone to pick with 'that long-underwear bunch.' He then went on to describe how, just that morning, he had watched in horror as Professor Percival 'Smarty' Pantz, hapless know-it-all rival of Dr. E. Pluribus Hewnham, the Scientific American, performed an 'electro-brain implantation procedure' on the Lady. The idea was to enlist the statue in the effort to keep the skies of Empire City clear of enemy planes and airships. 'She’ll be able to swat Messerschmitts like mosquitos!' Pantz crowed. Instead, thanks to the usual miscalculation on the part of Dr. Pantz, she had, upon awakening, gone off striding across the bay toward Empire City, her spike-crowned electro-head filled with homicidal urges. Of course the Scientific American, employing a handy giant robot of his own manufacture that he quickly fitted out with an enormous Clark Gable mask, was able to lure her back to her pillar, and then neutralize her using 'superdynamic electromagnets.' But it all made, to the exasperation of the janitor-narrator, an awful mess."

    --from The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon

    June 9, 2011

  • No, I don't want worts on my nipples, thank you.

    April 11, 2011

  • Were you looking for nipplewort?

    April 11, 2011

  • *Is alarmed to feel overly trippy*

    March 6, 2011

  • *is alarmingly silent*

    March 5, 2011

  • *silently trips over alarm*

    March 2, 2011

  • Um. Uh-oh.
    *trips silent alarm*

    February 28, 2011

  • Indeed - one would think a man skilled at creating algorithms could have predicted this.

    February 28, 2011

  • Duffel! I should have known.

    February 28, 2011

  • It would seem we meet again, professor.

    February 28, 2011

  • I should thank Wordie for this addition to my family lexicon. We use it to mean smart-alec, clever dick, einstein, but also self-deprecatorily to acknowledge the correction of one's dumbism.

    May 26, 2010

  • Ditto. :-)

    February 18, 2010

  • Wow. Thanks for the reminder to reread this page. It gives me the happies every frickin' time.

    February 16, 2010

  • "Look at how closely the maniples are crushed together!" — The Lion's Brood

    February 16, 2010

  • I just tried Wordnik's Random Word feature and it showed me maniples.

    February 16, 2010

  • *thinking*

    April 3, 2008

  • Mollusks don't have nipples, therefore either Professor von Schmartzenpanz is a mollusk, or mollusks are androids.

    April 3, 2008

  • For a fascinating update on nipples, see press here for a random word. You can't make this stuff up.

    April 3, 2008

  • Mollusque, that is a delightful sentence all by itself and should have its own page.

    April 3, 2008

  • For mollusks, the presence or absence of an umbilicus is crucial.

    April 3, 2008

  • Of course. You can tell that from the title.

    April 2, 2008

  • I think this page was predestined to become a discussion of Brent Spiner's nipps.

    April 2, 2008

  • *trying desperately not to think about Brent Spiner's nipples*

    April 2, 2008

  • You must be speaking of his alter-ego, Brent Spiner.... Say, do you think they took off his nipples or covered them up when they put on that yellow skin for him to be Data?

    *thinking about Brent Spiner's nipples*

    April 2, 2008

  • C_b, I hate to tell you this, but he doesn't even have that pasty skin in real life. Or else he'd just returned from a tropical vacation when I saw him on that talk show....

    April 2, 2008

  • Mollusque, are you telling me that Data on Star Trek doesn't have nipples?! *brokenhearted*

    April 2, 2008

  • Mollusque, you're downright poetic about male nipples.

    Palooka, he showed you those photos??

    April 2, 2008

  • Teufelsbrustwarzen!

    The vile von Schmartzenpanz is intercepting my cupcakes by impaling them on his filthy breast-warts!!

    April 2, 2008

  • Had to go to http://phrontistery.info/a.html to learn what anomphalous meant. What a vocabulary mollusque has.

    April 2, 2008

  • There's something magic in reading a mollusk's thoughts about an anomphalous being.

    April 2, 2008

  • Palooka, that makes him an android. Is he anomphalous as well as immammate?

    April 2, 2008

  • OK, then he's not only not a male, but he's also not a primate. MEN HAVE NIPPLES.

    April 2, 2008

  • Prof von Schmartzenpanz is definitely male because he doesn't have nipples. I've seen photos of his chest.

    April 2, 2008

  • Yes, but how many of them can you collect on that pointy head at one time? *lobs another*

    April 2, 2008

  • Since I am nothing if not a pointy-headed intellectual, attempts to bounce cupcakes, or any other type of baked goods, off my head are doomed to fail.

    Mmmmm. Maraschino cherries. Yum!

    April 2, 2008

  • Really. Such cheek.

    April 1, 2008

  • Duffel van der Pinkenhosen was actually the sworn enemy of von Schmartzenpanz. Bilby, how could you say that name?

    March 31, 2008

  • You're getting him mixed up with Duffel van der Pinkenhosen.

    March 31, 2008

  • *bounces a cupcake off sionnach's head*

    Chained_bear, where did you hear the rumor about Professor von Schmartzenpanz having sexual reassignment surgery? Geez, some stories just take on lives of their own....

    March 31, 2008

  • I'm perfectly willing to believe that Prof von Schmartzenpanz's criticism is right there on the protean, spine-tinglingly transgressive cusp of post-feminist hermeneutic deconstructivist theory, but you guys really need to get the story straight (so to speak).

    Which is it - born and intrinsically hypermasculine, as reesetee would have us believe, or shapeshifting sexual reassignment surgery?

    Reesetee: I assume that last sentence in your most recent comment was really supposed to read:

    "We know the guy, and he's DeMan." Teehee!

    (OK: I'm going to run away and hide now)

    March 31, 2008

  • Also, sionnach may be forgetting, or perhaps wasn't aware, that Professor von Schmartzenpanz has had sexual reassignment surgery. That's why the accent was missing over the E (née). It also kind of explains his exceedingly postmodern feminism.

    (*still trying*)

    March 31, 2008

  • Yes, but supposing npydyuan made a typographical error (which I believe is what actually happened). If you check the chaordic page, which was created before this one, you'll see that the professor clearly is a male.

    Besides, we know the guy. He's all man, Clyde.

    March 31, 2008

  • Sorry, c_b. I must respectfully differ. Regardless of the backstory, if nee was used to refer to the perfessor, than at that time the perfessor in question would have to have been female. Otherwise, the male form of the adjective, ne, would have been used.

    March 31, 2008

  • Au contraire, sionnach. I think that 'nee' in this case refers to the Professor's bachelor name. He was Schmartzenpanz enough to object to the millennia-old institutional objectification of women as sexual slave labor by changing his name to his wife's (Dr. von Schmartzenpanz happens to be the Dean of Faculty). ;)

    March 31, 2008

  • It would appear that the good Professor has a little of that Loki shapeshifter magic that we expect to see in all our academic superstars. As the designation "nee von Smarty Pants" clearly indicates, von Smarty Pants was female. However, it appears that the masculinity of Professor von Schmartzenpanz is unquestioned. Was the apparent sex-change coincident with the name-change?

    March 31, 2008

  • Chained_bear, click on npydyuan's chaordic reference below for more jocularity. :-)

    October 13, 2007

  • Oh. My. Gosh. This is my favorite page, like, ever.

    October 13, 2007

  • Thank you, npydyuan. I needed the reminder. :-)

    October 13, 2007

  • Noted chaordic theoretician (nee von Smarty Pants). In later life, advanced lame-ass theory of the non-existence of adjectives; arguing that an adjective is really an adverb modifying an implied verb of existence. The theory rested on some dumb-ass idea that the conventional distinction between "existence" and other "actions" is artificial and misleading; that all verbs are, in their purest state, expressions, like everything else, of pure energy.

    October 13, 2007